5 THINGS EVERY WORKING MOTHER SHOULD KNOW

The number of mothers working full-time has overtaken the number looking after their children at home based on recent figures published by the UK Office of National Statistics, showing rapid increase over recent years.

With a record 2.2 million mothers now working full time, what is the secret to balancing your career with fulfilling your child’s needs? How can you ensure they receive the best support for their development?

We often get lost in the preoccupation of ensuring our children are developing at the right speed, learning the right things, walking the walk and talking the talk as dictated by “normal” expectations.

Except, there is no such thing as “normal”. At least, not according to education expert and the founder of Equilibrium, Howard Walmsley. “A ‘one size fits all’ approach to learning is invalid and unnecessary” he asserts, preferring to focus on helping children achieve their potential and feel good about doing so. “Being a parent is not like being a friend. It is not a popularity thing. Being a parent is about doing what is right over what is convenient. Doing what is right over what is popular.”

Traditional educational systems focus on academic performance and repetition of knowledge. However, Walmsley’s braindchild Equilibrium brings together the cognitive and emotional realities unique to each individual and works with them, focusing on Emotional Intelligence.

Working discreetly with an impressive array of high-calibre clients ranging from celebrities to royalty, the Equilibrium team have a unique mission to combine the latest learning technologies and research to deliver learning systems which do more than simply target memory function and the left brain.

So what can the modern day working mother learn from this approach? We invited Equilibrium’s experienced team (who include working mothers and specialists in psychology and emotional therapy), to present their 5 key things that every working mother should know…

1. LOVE

Children thrive on love. It may seem obvious and every mother knows this instinctively, although it is not the first priority for many.

Our society rates love in most of its songs, literature, theatre, films and religion as the most important and most desirable experience. Yet mother/child love has a back seat when advice is given on what every mother should know.  Love is sometimes tainted with fear of over-indulgence. Of course, giving everything a child needs must not be confused with giving everything a child wants.

If your child, in the early years, can be given the human tools as a foundation for living, creativity will flow easily in the later years and education absorbed without difficulty. There are misconceptions that education and creativity should come first and we shower our children with too many toys, too many materialistic tokens of our love and care.  Not enough of the real thing.

2. LEAD BY EXAMPLE

A child in the first years uses the mother figure for a role model, so every child expert confirms. If you have to take on a nanny or carer, it is these human qualities that a mother should seek in such a person, not their efficiency within the household or the convenience factor for the rest of the family, but their character and how this will impact the child.

We also don’t have to be perfect. It is important for children to see us working through conflicts in our lives. They also have their own conflicts and challenges. Watching you find solutions is an important life skill to pass on.  Sometimes the White lies we tell to protect our children actually cause distress as children are very sensitive to the mixed messages being sent out, the dissonance between what our words are saying and what our body language is giving off. In trying to protect them from witnessing our own negative emotions, we are teaching them that dishonesty is ok and that emotions are not ok.

Lead by example. Children are sponges and emulate all that you do and every way in which you interact with the world around you. Your actions model the way they will behave.

Be mindful from the very beginning of the words you use and the tone of voice you use around your child. Certain words induce stress and suppress learning and joy.  Others feel loving and harmonious and permit freedom to be curious.

3. THE QUESTION OF GUILT

Once you become a mother you will find guilt creeping through every crack. You will feel guilty for working, guilty for not working, guilty for spending time on yourself, guilty for not spending enough time on yourself, guilty for not being a good enough mother, wife, lover, friend, daughter, neighbour… The list could go on and on and drive you mad. It’s important to recognise that we all have limitations and suffer the same dilemmas of how to divide our time between the different roles we hold. Enjoy them all for what they are without striving to be ‘perfect’ in each.

When it comes to parenting there is no such thing as perfect parenting or a perfect approach. Do whatever you do with love and awareness.  Believe in yourself, your values and your child. No two situations will ever be the same and as such cannot benefit from the same response.

Everyone will be falling over themselves to give you advice on the best way to approach each parenting hurdle. If you listen to everything said without an awareness of what feels right for you and your child, it leaves you reeling. Keep an open eye and open mind and incorporate anything that works for you but do not be afraid of discarding irrelevant advice, no matter how sincerely given.

Since research focuses mainly on the outcomes of bad mothering, we are left with an enormous burden of responsibility, guilt, anxiety and self doubt. It feels as though the possibility of making serious mistakes is high. Therefore mothers often find themselves listening more to others and pre-empting defensively. This is not necessarily as good as listening to your child and trusting your own judgement.

4. NEEDS AND WANTS

In early infancy there is no distinction between needs and wants.  Children don’t know what is best for them. You have to provide these boundaries according to your belief and values. Sometimes you will feel as if you are always the bad guy but this is also what your child needs. They will test your strength time and time again. They need to know that you are stronger than they are, if you do not stand firm when it is necessary your child will not feel safe. They will then need to adopt controlling behaviours. You know what they need, they only know what they want. You must teach them the difference.

5. LEARNING ISN’T JUST FOR KIDS…

Be open to your own growth as well as theirs.  As we point them in the right direction we are reminded of our own intentions.  Live in the moment with your child and feel gratitude for this gift.  If you fight the changes that having children must inevitably make, your life will be a constant battle and mothering will feel thankless and frustrating. You will feel stuck.  Submit yourself to this new part of you. Enjoy the changes and challenges and remind yourself how you are changing and growing to accommodate these different needs.

The door to change is always open. Bring up your child in accordance with your and their needs combined. There is no one size fits all solution. Just make sure that good behaviour is never confused with ‘convenient’ behaviour.

And always praise the process – not the results – as one is merely a shadow of the other.

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